Beckham key for SA 2010?

OK so I'm afraid it's another football themed blog today, last for a while though I promise.
With England's group in South Africa 2010 confirmed (as the pundits put it 'EASY': England, Algeria, Slovenia and Yankees) the attention now turns to who will make Capello's final cut for the squad. Several names are guaranteed if fit; Lampard, Gerrard, Terry and Rooney to name a few. England's problems lay in goal, second striker and down both flanks.
James is old and error prone and has never really lost the 'Calamity James' tag from his Liverpool days. Green has not been used in enough competitive matches to be a serious contender for the No. 1 shirt. Inexperience has also cost Hart, Foster and Carson a real shot at being the first choice stopper. Robinson has been ditched due to his shaky confidence and doesn't seem likely to start either.
Not a great state of affairs in goal but every team has a weak spot or chink in the armour somewhere, right? Well no, but the good news for England is that the favourites don't always win (I'm thinking Spain deserve this accolade as favourites as they don't seem to have any weaknesses at all, even the mighty Brazil look far from convincing at left back).
The goal keeper conundrum aside the issue of second striker to support Rooney is the next glaring hole in England's arsenal. Heskey would be hard pushed to hit a bovine bottom with a banjo and he can't be relied upon to score anything. Sure Capello seems to favour the old BLUF (Big Lump Up Front) but who is knocking on Heskey's door?
Crouch would be my choice as he unsettles defenders with his unreal height and rangey stride and he has a terrific goal record but for some reason he never catches a break. Defoe is in sparkling form this season but is as useful as a glass hammer when in the air. Ashton is crocked and retired, Owen seems totally out of the reckoning despite being the most complete (if not a little injury prone) finisher England has.
Um, difficult to resolve the second striker role too, let's look at the wings instead.
Left wing, oh dear not much here either. Downing is just about the only natural left footer yet his runs are as predictable as Simon Cowell's hair-do, all straight lines and hopeful crosses. The other options aren't bad players, just not natural left footers; Joe Cole has the flair and creativity just the wrong foot. Milner again is right footed and has been playing in the form of his life playing off the striker for Villa, but at left wing he seems to drop his head and not pick his crosses as well as he could. It says a lot that Capello has picked Gerrard at left wing several times in qualifying despite him being a naturally right footed central midfielder (and a star one at that!).

Oh well lets try to resolve the sticky right wing issue instead. A bit more hopeful here with the likes of the improving Lennon, the promise of Walcott and that pesky Beckham. Beckham is an enigma to nobody except the very country he busts a gut to play for. Mr. Beckham is a very able crosser of the ball, fantastic at set piece situations, hard working when tracking the ball and a very respected leader on the pitch. Yet many England fans don't believe him good enough to be in the squad.
Speaking as a person who comes from a country (or principality if you must be a pedant) who's footballing aspirations revolve around trying in vain to beat the likes of Finland with a team young enough to make Arsenal look like pensioners, I can't see why Beckham isn't a clear cut choice to go to SA 2010.
Is Beckham too old?
Well Milan's fitness and physio staff believe Beckham to be fitter than many footballers ten years younger and they believe he will play until he is 40. So that's not the reason.
Is Beckham worse than Walcott or Lennon?
Well my answer would be this; How many English wingers are the likes of AC Milan trying to sign? One.
Beckham.
Is Beckham's heart in it?
He travels half way across the world just to sit on the bench and maybe play for the last ten, fifteen minutes of a friendly before travelling all the way back. He gives up his summer break to play continuously for both LA and AC Milan to stay match sharp enough. He wants this more than anybody else wearing the three lions, that is a fact.
Beckham has lots of experience at the top level in World Cups and Champions League, he has experienced football in different alien cultures like the USA and Spain and he is one of the few players in the world to have played for the biggest clubs in the world's top three leagues; La Liga, Premiership and Serie A.
Lets face it, Beckham is a truly quality player, a dedicated pro and more importantly he will do ANYTHING to play for England. He brings huge amounts of publicity to the FA, he has garnered worldwide interest and support from people who might not otherwise support England and yet he remains almost like the ghost at the feast.
Unlike Owen, Beckham has already managed the near impossible and made Capello complete a u-turn after being dropped by the Italian at Real Madrid. He just doesn't give up and this kind of determination is needed to win the big trophies (look at Greece at Euro 2004 – you can't tell me they won it by being technically more proficient than the other teams involved).
If the likes of Ryan Giggs (for Wales) and Jamie Carragher showed half as much dedication as Beckham does for his country both Wales and England would benefit tremendously.

The problem with Beckham is summed up by the old adage; “You don't know what you've got 'til it's gone”. When people look back on England's 'Golden Generation' in say 50 or 60 years time who will be remembered? (unless England win in SA 2010 of course); Beckham will be, for sure.

So to summarise can England win the world cup with no solid goalie, few decent left wing options and a dearth of quality in terms of strike support for Rooney?
Hell yeah they can, and I'll bet it will be a certain Mr. Beckham who bursts his lungs, wears his legs into the ground and sweats blood to make it happen. You don't know how lucky you are England.
Good luck!

Football manager 2010, voting Labour and other wastes of time.

Steve Ahearne 25 November 2009

The rain has been utterly depressing recently.
I've spent untold hours hiding away from November rain and a number of other Axl Rose compositions. In an attempt to fill my free time on these wet winter evenings I have fallen victim to an all consuming, burning lust.
An addiction no less.

Football Manager 2010 started out as just an occasional vice born from a bid to save some readies by staying in of a night.
“It's just a football manager game I said”, “It will be OK in small doses; once, twice a week”.

Before the realisation hit home that I was hooked; I was … well … hooked.
Obviously.

Sadly my tale is one so familiar to others who have tread this bleak and lonely path before. We are the husks of humanity, ghosts of men. Cursed to hide indoors and develop nocturnal habits.
We half listen to the idiot box (tuned in to BBC News 24 or maybe Sky Sports News) repeating the same story you half listened to half an hour ago.
I must confess that my own particular low point came a few weeks ago at the height of the insidious Computer game's hold over me.
A first season promotion for my team was followed by a season of Premiership survival, the next saw improvement as my managerial stock started to rise. A fifth placed finish with my unfashionable little team the following season led to job offers. I went abroad (in the game world not the real world, which I assure you was happily spinning by outside) and made it to the Champions League final.
I was so exited I got a little carried away and put on my best suit - you know, to look tidy for such an important match.
What kind of prat did I look?, dressed to the nines for an artificially simulated clash between two sets of opposing computer graphics.

My press conference in the bath room mirror was a non-event so cheesy that all further details will remain locked firmly in a crate marked 'Top Secret' like at the end of Indiana Jones: Raiders of the lost ark.

Talking of looking a bit of a prat; I have recently happened upon many tales of Gordon Brown's latest cock-ups. The poor fellow can't seem to do anything right at the moment. He misspells a name and he's lambasted, he opens his mouth and people tell him to shut it. When he shuts it we want him to say something instead.
From the reeking compost that is Brown's dying Labour government grows Britain's one true – magnolia (sorry, I meant saviour, honestly).
David Cameron has positively blossomed in popularity as a result of Gordon Brown's utter inability to make anybody like him. It must hurt too given how easy even Tony Blair made it all look in the early Nineties.

The recent Queen's speech party political broadcasts have made for tremendous viewing given the lack of laugh-out-loud-funny comedy programmes at the moment.
Labour's effort was akin to a GSCE history programme on Channel 4. All upright classical strains interwoven with images of great Socialist achievements.
The voice over spoke with perhaps deserved pride at the legacy of such Labour greats as: Aneurin Bevan and his NHS, Keir Hardie and his unifying of the trade unions into a political party. Clement Attlee and his dismantling of the Empire.
All great and super.
Except that the broadcast failed to actually mention anything substantial about the current government's achievements. Oops.

By comparison the Tory broadcast was, in my eyes, a work of genius. Cameron knows he is such a sure bet to voted in at the next election, that his broadcast contained absolutely nothing positive. And it didn't matter.
Cameron offered us a few really tough years of financial hardship, before promising a few more years of fiscal frailty for dessert.
Brown has made Cameron look such an attractive prospect that Cameron is literally offering us a dog mess salad and we're wolfing it down with big mouthfuls of 'harsh-financial-truth'.

The next few years are going to be so bad that the Tories don't even have to pretend to have any policies to sell us (I'm sure they actually do).
Just give us the guy in the button-downed shirt, riding the rail, giving it to us straight. Warts-and-all. We can take it!
Go Dave, you're not Gord and that's enough for us! The sooner the major parties realise that modern politics is following an American trend to sell personalities rather than agenda's; the sooner we will get to election specials like: 'I'm a politician, get me out of here', 'Big Labour' and 'Strictly come voting'.
Maybe even a survival based show where the prospective PM has to survive in the wilds doing SAS training (Paddy Ashdown would win hands down!), living off next to nothing like low earning families, worming their way out of sticky situations, and backstabbing (literally) each other for points.
Followed by a duel at twenty paces. Lets call it 'Election Smackdown 2010: The rivals.'
I can dream...

The great train robbery

'The great train robbery'

Today (in my eyes at least) Southern Rail have managed to surpass bankers (I was tempted to 'accidentally' misspell that one), speed cameras, MP's and yes, even traffic wardens, as the most evil money grabbing shower currently plying their trade and whoring their wares about this fine country.
Please indulge me the crowing of a few grievances judiciously presented to me during what should have been a pleasant day excursion to Richmond (a lovely town it is too by the way).

The great bubble of excitement garnered prior to my departure was quickly and brutally burst when I discovered that the already cramped carriages were full. Thus I had paid for little more than a 'stand' as opposed to a 'seat' on the train.
This may not sound quite so unusual but, alas, there were a great many seats available apart from the auspiciously and strategically placed bags which had either shod all semblance of inertia and managed to buy themselves a ticket; or were being used as a totemistic fabric-lined gesture akin to a bi-digital salute.
In short their owners were saying “Sod off, sit somewhere else, anywhere else, just not next to me”.
Friendly eh?

After fighting my way through the narrow gangways of loose limbs, suitcases and bag straps and just when all hope of some reasonable degree of comfort seemed lost, a beautiful vision hove into view with all the allure of a shiny ball to a particularly wired pooch.
Empty seats! Sans baggage or laptops. I felt richer than King Croesus and the god of small things wrapped neatly into one.
Hip, hip and indeed hooray.

My hopes were dashed when I espied the '1st Class' sticker plastered on the window. Well, the seats were empty and the designated '1st Class' area was but a paragraph in the page of carriage four. It wasn't even it's own page (or carriage to dispense with the book metaphor).

“This must be some stickering error made by some spotty, zit ridden, over-zealous apprentice train conductor” thought I.
And with good reason to boot, as the '1st Class' area was anything but '1st Class'.
As I have mentioned it was a mere bit of a carriage, rather than a whole designated carriage as one expects to find on rail transport, nestled in with '2nd Class' or 'Rubbish Class' seating/standing (there was no sticker telling me how it should be labelled, so I have taken on the job personally in case we all end up covered in stickers and Clearasil).
The seats in '1st Class' were exactly the same as 'Rubbish Class'. The same lack of leg room for anyone over 4' tall, the same squeaky pull down table hanging off the seat in front, the same graffiti extolling the virtues of 'NWA', the same stained upholstery, the same amonia-riddled smell clogging the air.
There was literally no difference according to my panoramic survey with the seats five feet away in 'Rubbish Class' (though maybe under microscopic examination one may chance upon a better quality of crumb nestled betwixt seat and arm rest).

I must confess to feeling a twinge of guilt however for imposing upon this palatial beacon of salubrity having not paid through the nose for it, but needs must.

My hopes of a pleasant journey were further dashed by the arrival of two 'Authorised Inspectors', one of whom bore more than a passing resemblance to Roald Dahls' spinster headmistress 'Trunchbull' of 'Matilda' fame.
Far from bothering the greedy peoples who opted to treat their bag/laptop/suitcase as one would a paying customer, they gleefully stormed into '1st Class' and demanded tickets. Upon production of my 'Rubbish Class' ticket I was unceremoniously fined a £20 on the spot penalty fine.
The sheer rudeness and lack of any sort of humanity told me that any appeals for mercy would fall upon ears colder than those of 'The Terminator' himself.

Added to the fact that my initial ticket cost near £20 (the one that bought me only the right to stand and be damned grateful for the privilege you'll remember) this brief foray on public transport cost me £40 for really only a short journey.
Could a brief warning coupled with a “move it or lose it” sentiment not replace this punctilious adherence to a draconian code of conduct?
Does customer service mean anything any more? Humility? Good-naturedness?

Sure I should have been incredibly grateful for my opportunity to make way for some suited buffoon's bag, but I was a paying customer and don't appreciate being treated like a rogue, vagabond or robber.

Besides, anyone actually paying '1st Class' prices must feel that they have been robbed themselves given the apparent lack of any discernible class therein.

Bad show Southern Rail, bad show.
Maybe the proceeds of my fine and those of many others gained throughout the year no doubt, could be put towards making '1st Class' seating look less like the last Turkey in the shop and more like the sumptuously dressed dinner implied in the name...

...or maybe it would be money well spent providing enough seating for those of us not chaperoning a V.I.B. (very important bag – more important than common decency, clearly).

“Bendy hell comes to Brighton”

Steve Ahearne --- 16 October 2009

“Bendy hell comes to Brighton”

I walked past a news agents t'other day (as is my right as a citizen) and a terrible, neigh, alarming spectacle crossed my field of vision. Was it the little rat-like dog being actively encouraged by it's owner to micturate and defecate against a lamppost? Well maybe a little, but a much darker and altogether more sickening image greeted me.
It was a bill board advertising the Argus with the header “Bendy buses coming to Brighton”

Here's a warning to the good folk of Brighton regarding the proposed bendy buses; Don't do it!
Ever. No, no and thrice no.

Swansea, the city that bore me, has recently (finally) got the bendy buses running after more than two years of roadworks, disruption and much squandering of the public purse; more than £10 million in road re-shaping, congestion causing one way systems, new traffic lights and actually buying the blighters in the first instance.
The overwhelming consensus of the public is one veering between moribund apathy and utter distrust (admittedly both common emotions in Wales when not discussing the merits of another pint).
Here are the reasons that these vessels of purest evil should never be let loose on the roads of Brighton, Swansea or any other city:
1)The cost of the purchase of the buses is enormous, and repair equally so.
2)The buses take corners like tractors skidding on ice and have a breaking distance equivalent to that of an Atlantic oil tanker.
3)The buses need three staff; driver, middle door conductor and rear door conductor else the London 'free bus' effect kicks in, and no-one up front wants to pay when the chaps in the back just sneak on-board for the price of fresh air.
4)The buses are incredibly dangerous. Try over-taking one in a car. During a test run in Swansea one of the bendy nightmares crashed into a Citroen C2, even worse try to get passed one on the wrong side of the road by bicycle and see how long you last. There are many instances in London of cyclists falling foul of the buses automotive girth.
5)The buses can't pull over into bus stops easily, the council will have to fork out a great deal of money to narrow the roads to accommodate alighting. I'll wager they haven't considered this yet.
6) New traffic lights will be needed at junctions because of the time it takes all 61 feet of bendyness to accelerate and make it to the other side. Normal traffic systems don't accommodate this, think back to a time when you have seen a juggernaut or other large vehicle negotiating a cross junction and you will see what I mean.
7)Many cities have already rejected the bendy bus. What odds that the buses destined for Brighton have already seen service and been rejected elsewhere?
8)Trams are greener, safer and much more pleasant.

If the #25 bus route needs greater term time capacity then why not take the simpler, cheaper option and run more buses during peak seasons/times? The big bendy buses will spend half the year running half empty and causing undue traffic hell for motorists and cyclists alike. Not to mention pedestrians walking small rat-like dogs to their favoured street-side toilets.

Denizens of Brighton and Hove heed my cry!; unite against this tyranny that has blighted my homeland before it is too late. You have the power people.

Viva la revolution.

Should Tosh stay or should Tosh go?

Steve Ahearne 14 October 2009

Should Tosh stay or should Tosh go?

So yet another qualifying campaign ends with yet more disappointment for Wales.
John Toshack asked us to judge him on the 2010 qualifying campaign; here's the judgement – we suck. Still. And in John's own words 'We have gone backwards'.
The whole issue of youth development has been touted as his saving grace but this smacks of hypocrisy. Toshack inherited a squad of current internationals at their peak and promptly alienated and forced the retirement of more than a dozen of them. Yes, one or two were getting old anyway but many left due to clashes with Toshack and his over-inflated sense of importance. John your days of being a respected manager are over, left behind in the Jurassic period with the other dinosaurs, besides winning trophies with Real Madrid is like winning fantasy football, almost anyone could do it, and yet he still got the boot.
His man-management skills clearly leave a lot to be desired, but hey!, it's a chance to develop the youth right?
Well yes...
...and no.
Yes the young guns are gaining earlier exposure to top flight international football and gaining experience (of losing time after time), and no because the youngsters need the experienced heads around them to learn from in the first place. The current Welsh crop have no real senior players and thus no real leadership or example on the pitch.
Tactic-wise Wales look more a throw back than a nod forward. 5-3-2 is a formation shunned by modern managers due to the fact it has too many glaring faults: little room for building good attacks or counter attacks, a midfield swamped by the opposition, the desperate need for a 'lump up front' target man and five defenders marking the now customary 'one up front', rendering the only real course of action to be to push our fullbacks up to knock in hopeful crosses. All well and good but with our main attacking outlet being the dwarf-statured Craig Bellamy, utterly pointless.
As was witnessed in the dire shambles (particularly in the second half) against Finland where our endless long balls resulted in nothing more than cheaply giving away posession. How Wales could do with another player in the mould of 'Big' John Hartson (I wish him well with his battle against cancer by the way, a true legend) to knock those hopeful crosses down for someone like the fleet footed Bellamy to tap in.

So where then, is plan B? Oh that's right, we don't have one. To quote the great philosopher Homer (Simpson); 'Doh!'.
When Wales find themselves under the cosh and looking out of gas and ideas like they did against Finland, Toshack takes off Simon Church who showed some good movement and spirit and brought on Sam Vokes who instantly disappeared into the background. Not so much a 'Plan B' as 'Plan 9 – Alien grave robbers from outer space': “Gee whiz sheriff, I'm sure we had two strikers on the pitch a moment ago. Where did they go?”
How was Toshack going to turn the screws on Finland's talismanic playmaker Jari Litmanen? By not bothering to mark him at all! Good plan. The three centre backs did a grand job of watching him play from afar though.
The game against Liechtenstein is now a moot point, nothing is at stake, our international seeding can't be improved and the chances are it will be a painful 1-0 win (if we get lucky and the Liechtensteiners don't really fancy it either). So what should Wales do in this situation? Well most nations would use the game to blood a few youngsters but even Toshack won't call up our U-12 squad. Maybe then, he should use the game as an opportunity to call up the retire-ees for one last hurrah before he takes his leave and lets Brian Flynn take over. What's that I hear? Toshack has recently signed a new contract? He's going to be about for several more years? Damn. Do me a favour and ask my great, great grand kids how it feels to qualify for something, because it won't happen for another century or so at this rate.
Sepp Blatter the wily old smorgasbord lover that he is must be rubbing his hands at recent Welsh developments. Dwindling attendances and poor quality matches just strengthen FIFA's position on team GB. If the people of Wales continue to fall asleep in their droves and stay away from internationals what would be the point in fighting for an independent Welsh FA? Who will be left to fight for it anyway?
Finally it's time to talk about England. They celebrate piling up record breaking wins and qualification by losing, but hey ho!This is a team Wales could learn from (gulp).
The ageing Beckham is clearly still valuable to Capello despite not being 12 years old as seems requisite for the Welsh squad. They have awful trouble filling the left wing spot, so make do by playing a versatile player there (Steven Gerrard) who has actually done a marvellous job cutting inside and causing havoc. Wales already have a very decent left footer called Gareth Bale who seems to be under strict instruction to rarely venture forward (like he's very good at) and to defend at all costs (which he's not very good at).
England don't have a keeper as confident or as promising as Hennessey but manage to soldier on by playing a formation the defenders understand thus making them a little more sure of keeping a clean sheet. The best part is that they only need four defenders to defend thus they can commit an extra player to midfield to help keep the ball in the first place (the best method of defence is to not give the ball to the opposition via the 'donkey punt' Wales favour and instead try passing it about a bit). Should the English run out of ideas they can always rely on the last resort long ball because they actually have a choice of target men (unlike Wales) in Carlton Cole and Peter Crouch (both of whom fairly tower over Munchkin Bellamy).
Yes, England have a bigger and better pool of players than Wales can muster, but even the English can see the value in respecting experience, playing 4-4-2 and blooding youngsters when appropriate with the experienced heads along side to hold their hands during those first baby steps.
Please Tosh, this isn't about you, it's about Wales, the Welsh fans and the Welsh players on the pitch. Check that ego before we become the new San Marino.

Steve's simple 10 point plan to clean up Parliament.

Steve Ahearne 13th October 2009

Steve's simple 10 point plan to clean up Parliament.

The MP's expenses row continues to boil over as many of our grabbing, rotund friends in Westminister seem hurt by the notion of paying anything back. They just can't see how upset and angry the public are can they?
In this world of recession where councils, banks and tax offices continue to hound the broke for money they don't have, the MP's want to keep money for second homes, gardening and cleaning. For God's sake they are acting as hard done by as the third of Dolly Parton's triplets over this!

Here are my proposals; not just for the previous expenses claims but for all future claims too, aimed directly at MP's past and present:

1)Cleaning and gardening aren't in the public interest!; getting a total of £3000 per annum allowance for these activities which the rest of the world have to do themselves or pay for themselves is just 'appropriating the micturation'.
2)Second home allowance should be a purely rental based figure up to a maximum of £1000 a month, which is more than adequate. You only need the second home during your tenure as an MP serving the people, thus forcing MP's to rent prevents said MP's from using their career in parliament as the stepping stone to becoming a property tycoon.
3)You must live more than fifty miles from parliament as the crow flies to qualify for ANY second home allowance. That's about as far as Swansea is to Cardiff or Brighton is to London. Thousands of people manage to make this distance their daily commute, just try getting up earlier in the morning! Lord knows you get paid enough to warrant doing it. I would.
4)Any MP worth more than a million pounds in property and/or wages from their second job as company director should not be eligible for ANY expenses. The rest of us don't get anything for free, why should you? To make it easy enough for MP's to understand, if you earn and/or own property worth £1m in any given tax year you are clearly much more wealthy than the humble folk you pretend to represent, thus you don't have a genuine need to bleed the public purse dry.
5)No income tax breaks, council tax breaks or help with your bills is needed; you earn enough as it is. Give us all a break or take a permanent career break. Please.
6)Employing your relatives is not acceptable, they can apply through the same channels as the rest of us for work.
7)'Flipping' second homes was always wrong, regardless of whether the Telegraph caught you out or not. Death by being 'flipped' around in a huge hot frying pan would be an appropriate punishment for this.
8)'Blacking out' the bits of your expenses forms you don't like makes you look guiltier than even the rest of your peers have managed. You must forever wear a black dunces hat at public functions and in Parliament by means of a punitive measure.
9)Being an MP is supposed to be a purely altruistic endeavour; not a cash cow or fiscal piñata. And finally;
10)Cheer up! At least you aren't a banker! Your dour expressions and 'bulldog chewing on a particularly lemon-y wasp' faces make us feel depressed, also it makes the great British public sick in our mouths a little.

Here's hoping that the speaker of the house gets hold of my proposals, and that the party leaders find the balls to see past the OTT death by frying pan part in point 7 and see these proposals as the very least they could do to win back even a modicum of public trust.
I'm off now to 'flip' my sofa looking for that £1 coin I didn't tell the tax man about...

Housing benefit yarns and tears

Steve Ahearne 07/10/09

How I wish that I could change the subject matter of my blog since the last post but alas little, if anything, has changed.
The benefits system continues to help to the lazy and ignore those who actually need help (you know, those that actually see unemployment as a temporary set back rather than a vocation – or should that read vacation).
Brighton and Hove Council continue to keep me in the dark as to whether I can claim any money towards housing benefit; in fact they have proved their utter inability to keep time as I approach week eight of the six I was told to wait. Seriously, how can anyone be expected to find two months rent whilst waiting for the benefits they need to pay said rent? The good folks down at B&H council are clearly short staffed. So why not hire some of those unemployed people to get up to speed? Even creating some part time positions would help, not paying out benefits to these people because they are working would surely pay for itself in wages? Am I the only one who seems able to think clearly here? Maybe I should proffer my suggestions to the council and send them my proposal via a page posted every two months-ish.

The next organisation on my hit list are those strike-happy fellows at the Royal Mail. Initially there was some (luke)warm public support for their campaign of postal striking aimed at improving wages and conditions for staff. The current reality is this; the general public would quite like to actually get their mail on time for once. All the working portion of our population would also like a pay rise but apparently there is a bit of a financial squeeze on at the moment thus no pay rise for anyone, not even posties I'm afraid. Think on Royal Mail strikers, you need public support and the first thing you could do to win it is to actually get my mail here before the bills become overdue. Try it just once.
The organising of these strikes has made me wonder, how do they actually communicate with each other? They must have to use the telephone or send emails because by the time the strike organisers letters get to your average postie the whole affair is a year late. I hear that in the furthest recesses of the British Isles some posties have just received strike instructions for the 1970's.

Anyway moving on, the Conservative Party conference is currently in full swing up in Manchester, I can feel sympathy for those poor buggers who actually have to live there and put up with all the closed streets, police and disruption,if the Labour conference here in Brighton is anything to go by then it's a right pain in the proverbial.
The irony of the recent conferences can be found in the musical chairs game that Gord and Dave seem to be playing. Didn't Brighton used to be the traditional place for Tory conferences and isn't Manchester traditionally a strong Labour area?
“Quick Gord” says Hazel Blears “Cameron has forgotten to book Brighton for this years knees-up, um I mean this years conference, you know what would really p*** him off don't you?...”
By means of revenge the Conservatives then go and book their conference in a traditional Labour heartland. It's a bit like the German stereotype of waking up at the crack of dawn to lay claim to the best sun loungers with beach towels before the Brits wake up.
The Lib Dem's seem happy with Bournemouth but no-one really cares what they do anyway. Bless them, it's not like they are really offensive in the same way as the BNP or unelectable like the Greens, they just can't seem to find any spare political middle ground because those greedy Labour and Conservative policy makers have put their beach towels over the Lib Dem's favourite stomping ground in the centre. Labour under Blair moved right to centre left and now the Conservatives under Cameron have shifted left to centre right. If the political spectrum can be analogised as the North American land mass then the poor Lib Dem's are the Native Indians being pushed out of their heartlands due to having no sense of ownership.

Right now I'm off to confuse B&H council by drawing beach towels all over their diary's.

Labour party conference causes chaos

Steve Ahearne 27/09/09

The Labour party conference asks more questions than it answers.

I live in the safest street in Britain. If you have been wondering where all the police officers have been this weekend, the answer is here. Brighton. My street to be precise.
I have the (mis)fortune to be able to witness how a police state really looks... and I can tell you that it is pretty scary.
Due to the Labour party conference held two minutes walk from my flat I have passed no less than thirty police officers between here and the shops. That's not counting the armed police, dog handler units, nondescript security personnel, constant helicopter fly-bys, police vans, cars, cycles and motorbikes. The smell of police issue shoe polish and public service (or is that bacon?) is near overwhelming. Many of the roads are blocked off, a covered bridge has been erected over the road between the two hotels the party are using (they have literally knocked a hole in the side of one hotel just to accommodate this one-weekend-only bridge, at great cost no doubt).

The sea front promenade is festooned with huge bollards erected on the walkways forcing casual pedestrians and cyclists to collide together with alarming regularity (A defence against Al-Queda suicide cyclists I presume).
A group of Guantanamo Bay protesters dressed in orange jumpsuits and clutching mega-phones shout their discontent at the first floor balcony of the hotel where Jack Straw and Peter Hain give television interviews. They artfully manage to pretend that the protesters aren't there, and given the elevated position of the balcony all the viewers at home can see is the idyllic setting of Brighton beach awash with glorious September sunshine in the background. Pan up to the next floor and two police marksmen scan the crowd with binoculars. Pan down to street level if you please Mr. Cameraman, the scene looks decidedly more ugly here.
I've already mentioned the massively OTT police presence, the bollards and the jumpsuited protesters but amongst this thrall of Brightonians and the long (long, long, long) arm of the law we find a further collection of decidedly under-represented pressure groups. A solitary man sits on a bench with a hand written plaque extolling the benefits of an independent England. Not one person pays the blindest bit of notice.
A beardy chap with a crudely drawn T-shirt emblazoned with 'UK USA = Torture' tries to force some equally crudely drawn literature into the sweaty palms of a disinterested public. Do these people really believe that Mr. Brown will walk past, see their plaques and exclaim in his famed Scottish brogue “That's it for me then! You have it all sussed, I'm off for a nice lie down, politics is boring anyway Jimmeh!”. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the effort, but can the trumpeting of a one man band ever compare to the full orchestra? Does this current government even have the ears to listen anyway?
A little further from the chaos outside Labours' favoured hotel (is it favoured because The Iron Lady nearly got her come-upance here when the IRA bombed the place? Had to wonder!) I come across six, yes six, police standing around guarding a post box. Your mail is safe Brighton.

So this is what a police state looks, feels and smells like; Terrifying, in a word. Why do even totally innocent law abiding types like myself always feel guilty of something when presented with a massed police force? The real villainous issue here can be summed up in question format; Who is paying for all this? We must be talking Millions of pounds we're told we don't actually have. I'm sure the cost of the policing for this conference alone could furnish every major high street across the country with a 'bobby-on-the-beat' for a clear year.
Could our spendthrift post-recession government be squandering the public coffers needlessly? It's not my place to say.
One plus point though is that I'm getting value for money on the policing portion of my council tax; if only for one weekend.

Unemployment and banking.

Steve Ahearne 29/09/09

Unemployment could be solved by the banks who created it.

Unemployment is becoming endemic and symptomatic of Britain's youth in recent times. Those under thirty are being hit hardest for multifarious reasons: a lack of experience, a lack of appropriate qualifications (even degrees are hugely devalued compared to our parents generation), not being ethnic enough, being too ethnic, the list could fill this entire article, so I shall refrain.

I find myself in the same predicament. Whilst a career as a writer would be the dream, the more realistic (and I keep telling myself short term) measure would be an administration role. Unfortunately there is such severe competition for these roles that I have bitten the bullet and started applying for anything. Bar work, cleaning jobs, part time roles, anything. Yet still no joy.

Now, having lots of spare time on my hands may sound quite nice to many of you, and for many unemployment is not just a temporary set back but a way of life. There are huge swathes of the population happily claiming all the benefits they can lay their hands on (I know this first hand having previously worked in a jobcentre – oh the irony!) with no intention of ever finding work. There are even generations of unemployed people who dutifully pass on the tricks and tips necessary to evade employment to their children.

I am not one of these people.

Given my current circumstances I would love nothing more than to sit idly by and wait for the chime of the cash register as I clock up yet more benefits: housing benefit, council tax benefit, jobseekers allowance, disability benefit, child benefit and crisis loans to name but a brief selection.

My problem however is this; I can't get any. At all.

Due to having been foolish enough to try to improve my lot through University study and living with a partner who has the downright gall to work at all, the government has deemed it fitting that I should be left to rot. The bills keep coming, the banks keep charging and everybody wants to get paid. “But how shall I pay?” I ask. “Would you accept my teeth? Maybe my hair or my internal organs would suffice?”. Sadly ones own body is not deemed acceptable as payment.

The most galling aspect of this farce for me is the behaviour of the banks. They have single handedly managed to near bankrupt one of the richest countries in the world, been bailed out via the public coffers of said country and show not one ounce of compassion for the predicament many thousands like myself find ourselves in.

When attempting to obtain a payment break from a personal loan repayment obligation I currently have with one high street bank (not naming names so I shall substitute their moniker for one of my own devising, lets say 'HSBB') under the pretence of literally having no money to pay them I was told “We would be happy to restructure your loan repayments, when can you pay?”,

“I don't know” I said “I don't have a job, but as soon as I do I will do my best to pay you promptly”.

“I'm sorry but until you can tell us when you can pay you will have to pay.”

“But that's ridiculous, I can't pay because I don't have any money”

“Sorry about that”

“So what you're saying is; if I had the money to pay then you would help me?”

“Yes”

“So how do you help people who can't pay?”

“We don't”.

“Could you then, please not charge me a penalty fine for the missed payments over the next couple of months”

“No”

“But those penalty fines on top of the actual missed payments mean I'm even further from being able to pay you back!” I exclaimed aghast.

“Get a job.”

Get a job. The advice of an Indian call centre worker working the phone lines exclusively for British banking. Why are these jobs not in Britain? There are thousands, nay hundreds of thousands of call centre jobs outsourced from the British Isles with the express purpose of serving people in the British Isles. Since the banking institutions are the reason for this mass unemployment, could the government not force them to re-source the jobs back here (is the opposite of outsourcing insourcing or re-sourcing? hmm).

Hundreds of thousands of people would immediately be able to work again, unemployment would be slashed by a significant number and because these new British call centre agents would have a wage, they would be taxed, they would spend money (on repaying bank loans amongst other things no doubt), they would be contributing to the National Insurance pot thus helping to ease the financial burden on the other tax payers. They would need shops to purchase all manner of goods leading to further employment for even more people.

There would be unemployment in India which is a shame, but if things continue like they are here there won't be anybody left with a bank account to facilitate the need for someone to answer the bleedin' phone in the first place. Either here or in India.

Come on Big Gord! If I can fashion a workable idea in a twenty minute article such as this then why can't you do something?

Every single bank that was bailed out or even borrowed so much as a shiny penny from the public coffers should be forced to move their call centres and all other outsourced departments back here. If their business abroad is set up to deal with British banking and British people then what right do they have to snub the people of Britain? The same people they are so willing to rip-off with scandalous bank charges, the same people they refuse to help through these troubled times, the same people they fail to actually employ themselves.

At the end of the day the banks owe us, big time.

As for me I guess I'll just have to hope that Big Gord Brown manages to come up with something before the cupboard runs empty and before those penalty charges start rolling in.

Now how do I go about acquiring a one-way ticket to Delhi...?