Steve Ahearne --- 16 October 2009
“Bendy hell comes to Brighton”
I walked past a news agents t'other day (as is my right as a citizen) and a terrible, neigh, alarming spectacle crossed my field of vision. Was it the little rat-like dog being actively encouraged by it's owner to micturate and defecate against a lamppost? Well maybe a little, but a much darker and altogether more sickening image greeted me.
It was a bill board advertising the Argus with the header “Bendy buses coming to Brighton”
Here's a warning to the good folk of Brighton regarding the proposed bendy buses; Don't do it!
Ever. No, no and thrice no.
Swansea, the city that bore me, has recently (finally) got the bendy buses running after more than two years of roadworks, disruption and much squandering of the public purse; more than £10 million in road re-shaping, congestion causing one way systems, new traffic lights and actually buying the blighters in the first instance.
The overwhelming consensus of the public is one veering between moribund apathy and utter distrust (admittedly both common emotions in Wales when not discussing the merits of another pint).
Here are the reasons that these vessels of purest evil should never be let loose on the roads of Brighton, Swansea or any other city:
1)The cost of the purchase of the buses is enormous, and repair equally so.
2)The buses take corners like tractors skidding on ice and have a breaking distance equivalent to that of an Atlantic oil tanker.
3)The buses need three staff; driver, middle door conductor and rear door conductor else the London 'free bus' effect kicks in, and no-one up front wants to pay when the chaps in the back just sneak on-board for the price of fresh air.
4)The buses are incredibly dangerous. Try over-taking one in a car. During a test run in Swansea one of the bendy nightmares crashed into a Citroen C2, even worse try to get passed one on the wrong side of the road by bicycle and see how long you last. There are many instances in London of cyclists falling foul of the buses automotive girth.
5)The buses can't pull over into bus stops easily, the council will have to fork out a great deal of money to narrow the roads to accommodate alighting. I'll wager they haven't considered this yet.
6) New traffic lights will be needed at junctions because of the time it takes all 61 feet of bendyness to accelerate and make it to the other side. Normal traffic systems don't accommodate this, think back to a time when you have seen a juggernaut or other large vehicle negotiating a cross junction and you will see what I mean.
7)Many cities have already rejected the bendy bus. What odds that the buses destined for Brighton have already seen service and been rejected elsewhere?
8)Trams are greener, safer and much more pleasant.
If the #25 bus route needs greater term time capacity then why not take the simpler, cheaper option and run more buses during peak seasons/times? The big bendy buses will spend half the year running half empty and causing undue traffic hell for motorists and cyclists alike. Not to mention pedestrians walking small rat-like dogs to their favoured street-side toilets.
Denizens of Brighton and Hove heed my cry!; unite against this tyranny that has blighted my homeland before it is too late. You have the power people.
Viva la revolution.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Should Tosh stay or should Tosh go?
Steve Ahearne 14 October 2009
Should Tosh stay or should Tosh go?
So yet another qualifying campaign ends with yet more disappointment for Wales.
John Toshack asked us to judge him on the 2010 qualifying campaign; here's the judgement – we suck. Still. And in John's own words 'We have gone backwards'.
The whole issue of youth development has been touted as his saving grace but this smacks of hypocrisy. Toshack inherited a squad of current internationals at their peak and promptly alienated and forced the retirement of more than a dozen of them. Yes, one or two were getting old anyway but many left due to clashes with Toshack and his over-inflated sense of importance. John your days of being a respected manager are over, left behind in the Jurassic period with the other dinosaurs, besides winning trophies with Real Madrid is like winning fantasy football, almost anyone could do it, and yet he still got the boot.
His man-management skills clearly leave a lot to be desired, but hey!, it's a chance to develop the youth right?
Well yes...
...and no.
Yes the young guns are gaining earlier exposure to top flight international football and gaining experience (of losing time after time), and no because the youngsters need the experienced heads around them to learn from in the first place. The current Welsh crop have no real senior players and thus no real leadership or example on the pitch.
Tactic-wise Wales look more a throw back than a nod forward. 5-3-2 is a formation shunned by modern managers due to the fact it has too many glaring faults: little room for building good attacks or counter attacks, a midfield swamped by the opposition, the desperate need for a 'lump up front' target man and five defenders marking the now customary 'one up front', rendering the only real course of action to be to push our fullbacks up to knock in hopeful crosses. All well and good but with our main attacking outlet being the dwarf-statured Craig Bellamy, utterly pointless.
As was witnessed in the dire shambles (particularly in the second half) against Finland where our endless long balls resulted in nothing more than cheaply giving away posession. How Wales could do with another player in the mould of 'Big' John Hartson (I wish him well with his battle against cancer by the way, a true legend) to knock those hopeful crosses down for someone like the fleet footed Bellamy to tap in.
So where then, is plan B? Oh that's right, we don't have one. To quote the great philosopher Homer (Simpson); 'Doh!'.
When Wales find themselves under the cosh and looking out of gas and ideas like they did against Finland, Toshack takes off Simon Church who showed some good movement and spirit and brought on Sam Vokes who instantly disappeared into the background. Not so much a 'Plan B' as 'Plan 9 – Alien grave robbers from outer space': “Gee whiz sheriff, I'm sure we had two strikers on the pitch a moment ago. Where did they go?”
How was Toshack going to turn the screws on Finland's talismanic playmaker Jari Litmanen? By not bothering to mark him at all! Good plan. The three centre backs did a grand job of watching him play from afar though.
The game against Liechtenstein is now a moot point, nothing is at stake, our international seeding can't be improved and the chances are it will be a painful 1-0 win (if we get lucky and the Liechtensteiners don't really fancy it either). So what should Wales do in this situation? Well most nations would use the game to blood a few youngsters but even Toshack won't call up our U-12 squad. Maybe then, he should use the game as an opportunity to call up the retire-ees for one last hurrah before he takes his leave and lets Brian Flynn take over. What's that I hear? Toshack has recently signed a new contract? He's going to be about for several more years? Damn. Do me a favour and ask my great, great grand kids how it feels to qualify for something, because it won't happen for another century or so at this rate.
Sepp Blatter the wily old smorgasbord lover that he is must be rubbing his hands at recent Welsh developments. Dwindling attendances and poor quality matches just strengthen FIFA's position on team GB. If the people of Wales continue to fall asleep in their droves and stay away from internationals what would be the point in fighting for an independent Welsh FA? Who will be left to fight for it anyway?
Finally it's time to talk about England. They celebrate piling up record breaking wins and qualification by losing, but hey ho!This is a team Wales could learn from (gulp).
The ageing Beckham is clearly still valuable to Capello despite not being 12 years old as seems requisite for the Welsh squad. They have awful trouble filling the left wing spot, so make do by playing a versatile player there (Steven Gerrard) who has actually done a marvellous job cutting inside and causing havoc. Wales already have a very decent left footer called Gareth Bale who seems to be under strict instruction to rarely venture forward (like he's very good at) and to defend at all costs (which he's not very good at).
England don't have a keeper as confident or as promising as Hennessey but manage to soldier on by playing a formation the defenders understand thus making them a little more sure of keeping a clean sheet. The best part is that they only need four defenders to defend thus they can commit an extra player to midfield to help keep the ball in the first place (the best method of defence is to not give the ball to the opposition via the 'donkey punt' Wales favour and instead try passing it about a bit). Should the English run out of ideas they can always rely on the last resort long ball because they actually have a choice of target men (unlike Wales) in Carlton Cole and Peter Crouch (both of whom fairly tower over Munchkin Bellamy).
Yes, England have a bigger and better pool of players than Wales can muster, but even the English can see the value in respecting experience, playing 4-4-2 and blooding youngsters when appropriate with the experienced heads along side to hold their hands during those first baby steps.
Please Tosh, this isn't about you, it's about Wales, the Welsh fans and the Welsh players on the pitch. Check that ego before we become the new San Marino.
Should Tosh stay or should Tosh go?
So yet another qualifying campaign ends with yet more disappointment for Wales.
John Toshack asked us to judge him on the 2010 qualifying campaign; here's the judgement – we suck. Still. And in John's own words 'We have gone backwards'.
The whole issue of youth development has been touted as his saving grace but this smacks of hypocrisy. Toshack inherited a squad of current internationals at their peak and promptly alienated and forced the retirement of more than a dozen of them. Yes, one or two were getting old anyway but many left due to clashes with Toshack and his over-inflated sense of importance. John your days of being a respected manager are over, left behind in the Jurassic period with the other dinosaurs, besides winning trophies with Real Madrid is like winning fantasy football, almost anyone could do it, and yet he still got the boot.
His man-management skills clearly leave a lot to be desired, but hey!, it's a chance to develop the youth right?
Well yes...
...and no.
Yes the young guns are gaining earlier exposure to top flight international football and gaining experience (of losing time after time), and no because the youngsters need the experienced heads around them to learn from in the first place. The current Welsh crop have no real senior players and thus no real leadership or example on the pitch.
Tactic-wise Wales look more a throw back than a nod forward. 5-3-2 is a formation shunned by modern managers due to the fact it has too many glaring faults: little room for building good attacks or counter attacks, a midfield swamped by the opposition, the desperate need for a 'lump up front' target man and five defenders marking the now customary 'one up front', rendering the only real course of action to be to push our fullbacks up to knock in hopeful crosses. All well and good but with our main attacking outlet being the dwarf-statured Craig Bellamy, utterly pointless.
As was witnessed in the dire shambles (particularly in the second half) against Finland where our endless long balls resulted in nothing more than cheaply giving away posession. How Wales could do with another player in the mould of 'Big' John Hartson (I wish him well with his battle against cancer by the way, a true legend) to knock those hopeful crosses down for someone like the fleet footed Bellamy to tap in.
So where then, is plan B? Oh that's right, we don't have one. To quote the great philosopher Homer (Simpson); 'Doh!'.
When Wales find themselves under the cosh and looking out of gas and ideas like they did against Finland, Toshack takes off Simon Church who showed some good movement and spirit and brought on Sam Vokes who instantly disappeared into the background. Not so much a 'Plan B' as 'Plan 9 – Alien grave robbers from outer space': “Gee whiz sheriff, I'm sure we had two strikers on the pitch a moment ago. Where did they go?”
How was Toshack going to turn the screws on Finland's talismanic playmaker Jari Litmanen? By not bothering to mark him at all! Good plan. The three centre backs did a grand job of watching him play from afar though.
The game against Liechtenstein is now a moot point, nothing is at stake, our international seeding can't be improved and the chances are it will be a painful 1-0 win (if we get lucky and the Liechtensteiners don't really fancy it either). So what should Wales do in this situation? Well most nations would use the game to blood a few youngsters but even Toshack won't call up our U-12 squad. Maybe then, he should use the game as an opportunity to call up the retire-ees for one last hurrah before he takes his leave and lets Brian Flynn take over. What's that I hear? Toshack has recently signed a new contract? He's going to be about for several more years? Damn. Do me a favour and ask my great, great grand kids how it feels to qualify for something, because it won't happen for another century or so at this rate.
Sepp Blatter the wily old smorgasbord lover that he is must be rubbing his hands at recent Welsh developments. Dwindling attendances and poor quality matches just strengthen FIFA's position on team GB. If the people of Wales continue to fall asleep in their droves and stay away from internationals what would be the point in fighting for an independent Welsh FA? Who will be left to fight for it anyway?
Finally it's time to talk about England. They celebrate piling up record breaking wins and qualification by losing, but hey ho!This is a team Wales could learn from (gulp).
The ageing Beckham is clearly still valuable to Capello despite not being 12 years old as seems requisite for the Welsh squad. They have awful trouble filling the left wing spot, so make do by playing a versatile player there (Steven Gerrard) who has actually done a marvellous job cutting inside and causing havoc. Wales already have a very decent left footer called Gareth Bale who seems to be under strict instruction to rarely venture forward (like he's very good at) and to defend at all costs (which he's not very good at).
England don't have a keeper as confident or as promising as Hennessey but manage to soldier on by playing a formation the defenders understand thus making them a little more sure of keeping a clean sheet. The best part is that they only need four defenders to defend thus they can commit an extra player to midfield to help keep the ball in the first place (the best method of defence is to not give the ball to the opposition via the 'donkey punt' Wales favour and instead try passing it about a bit). Should the English run out of ideas they can always rely on the last resort long ball because they actually have a choice of target men (unlike Wales) in Carlton Cole and Peter Crouch (both of whom fairly tower over Munchkin Bellamy).
Yes, England have a bigger and better pool of players than Wales can muster, but even the English can see the value in respecting experience, playing 4-4-2 and blooding youngsters when appropriate with the experienced heads along side to hold their hands during those first baby steps.
Please Tosh, this isn't about you, it's about Wales, the Welsh fans and the Welsh players on the pitch. Check that ego before we become the new San Marino.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Steve's simple 10 point plan to clean up Parliament.
Steve Ahearne 13th October 2009
Steve's simple 10 point plan to clean up Parliament.
The MP's expenses row continues to boil over as many of our grabbing, rotund friends in Westminister seem hurt by the notion of paying anything back. They just can't see how upset and angry the public are can they?
In this world of recession where councils, banks and tax offices continue to hound the broke for money they don't have, the MP's want to keep money for second homes, gardening and cleaning. For God's sake they are acting as hard done by as the third of Dolly Parton's triplets over this!
Here are my proposals; not just for the previous expenses claims but for all future claims too, aimed directly at MP's past and present:
1)Cleaning and gardening aren't in the public interest!; getting a total of £3000 per annum allowance for these activities which the rest of the world have to do themselves or pay for themselves is just 'appropriating the micturation'.
2)Second home allowance should be a purely rental based figure up to a maximum of £1000 a month, which is more than adequate. You only need the second home during your tenure as an MP serving the people, thus forcing MP's to rent prevents said MP's from using their career in parliament as the stepping stone to becoming a property tycoon.
3)You must live more than fifty miles from parliament as the crow flies to qualify for ANY second home allowance. That's about as far as Swansea is to Cardiff or Brighton is to London. Thousands of people manage to make this distance their daily commute, just try getting up earlier in the morning! Lord knows you get paid enough to warrant doing it. I would.
4)Any MP worth more than a million pounds in property and/or wages from their second job as company director should not be eligible for ANY expenses. The rest of us don't get anything for free, why should you? To make it easy enough for MP's to understand, if you earn and/or own property worth £1m in any given tax year you are clearly much more wealthy than the humble folk you pretend to represent, thus you don't have a genuine need to bleed the public purse dry.
5)No income tax breaks, council tax breaks or help with your bills is needed; you earn enough as it is. Give us all a break or take a permanent career break. Please.
6)Employing your relatives is not acceptable, they can apply through the same channels as the rest of us for work.
7)'Flipping' second homes was always wrong, regardless of whether the Telegraph caught you out or not. Death by being 'flipped' around in a huge hot frying pan would be an appropriate punishment for this.
8)'Blacking out' the bits of your expenses forms you don't like makes you look guiltier than even the rest of your peers have managed. You must forever wear a black dunces hat at public functions and in Parliament by means of a punitive measure.
9)Being an MP is supposed to be a purely altruistic endeavour; not a cash cow or fiscal piñata. And finally;
10)Cheer up! At least you aren't a banker! Your dour expressions and 'bulldog chewing on a particularly lemon-y wasp' faces make us feel depressed, also it makes the great British public sick in our mouths a little.
Here's hoping that the speaker of the house gets hold of my proposals, and that the party leaders find the balls to see past the OTT death by frying pan part in point 7 and see these proposals as the very least they could do to win back even a modicum of public trust.
I'm off now to 'flip' my sofa looking for that £1 coin I didn't tell the tax man about...
Steve's simple 10 point plan to clean up Parliament.
The MP's expenses row continues to boil over as many of our grabbing, rotund friends in Westminister seem hurt by the notion of paying anything back. They just can't see how upset and angry the public are can they?
In this world of recession where councils, banks and tax offices continue to hound the broke for money they don't have, the MP's want to keep money for second homes, gardening and cleaning. For God's sake they are acting as hard done by as the third of Dolly Parton's triplets over this!
Here are my proposals; not just for the previous expenses claims but for all future claims too, aimed directly at MP's past and present:
1)Cleaning and gardening aren't in the public interest!; getting a total of £3000 per annum allowance for these activities which the rest of the world have to do themselves or pay for themselves is just 'appropriating the micturation'.
2)Second home allowance should be a purely rental based figure up to a maximum of £1000 a month, which is more than adequate. You only need the second home during your tenure as an MP serving the people, thus forcing MP's to rent prevents said MP's from using their career in parliament as the stepping stone to becoming a property tycoon.
3)You must live more than fifty miles from parliament as the crow flies to qualify for ANY second home allowance. That's about as far as Swansea is to Cardiff or Brighton is to London. Thousands of people manage to make this distance their daily commute, just try getting up earlier in the morning! Lord knows you get paid enough to warrant doing it. I would.
4)Any MP worth more than a million pounds in property and/or wages from their second job as company director should not be eligible for ANY expenses. The rest of us don't get anything for free, why should you? To make it easy enough for MP's to understand, if you earn and/or own property worth £1m in any given tax year you are clearly much more wealthy than the humble folk you pretend to represent, thus you don't have a genuine need to bleed the public purse dry.
5)No income tax breaks, council tax breaks or help with your bills is needed; you earn enough as it is. Give us all a break or take a permanent career break. Please.
6)Employing your relatives is not acceptable, they can apply through the same channels as the rest of us for work.
7)'Flipping' second homes was always wrong, regardless of whether the Telegraph caught you out or not. Death by being 'flipped' around in a huge hot frying pan would be an appropriate punishment for this.
8)'Blacking out' the bits of your expenses forms you don't like makes you look guiltier than even the rest of your peers have managed. You must forever wear a black dunces hat at public functions and in Parliament by means of a punitive measure.
9)Being an MP is supposed to be a purely altruistic endeavour; not a cash cow or fiscal piñata. And finally;
10)Cheer up! At least you aren't a banker! Your dour expressions and 'bulldog chewing on a particularly lemon-y wasp' faces make us feel depressed, also it makes the great British public sick in our mouths a little.
Here's hoping that the speaker of the house gets hold of my proposals, and that the party leaders find the balls to see past the OTT death by frying pan part in point 7 and see these proposals as the very least they could do to win back even a modicum of public trust.
I'm off now to 'flip' my sofa looking for that £1 coin I didn't tell the tax man about...
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Housing benefit yarns and tears
Steve Ahearne 07/10/09
How I wish that I could change the subject matter of my blog since the last post but alas little, if anything, has changed.
The benefits system continues to help to the lazy and ignore those who actually need help (you know, those that actually see unemployment as a temporary set back rather than a vocation – or should that read vacation).
Brighton and Hove Council continue to keep me in the dark as to whether I can claim any money towards housing benefit; in fact they have proved their utter inability to keep time as I approach week eight of the six I was told to wait. Seriously, how can anyone be expected to find two months rent whilst waiting for the benefits they need to pay said rent? The good folks down at B&H council are clearly short staffed. So why not hire some of those unemployed people to get up to speed? Even creating some part time positions would help, not paying out benefits to these people because they are working would surely pay for itself in wages? Am I the only one who seems able to think clearly here? Maybe I should proffer my suggestions to the council and send them my proposal via a page posted every two months-ish.
The next organisation on my hit list are those strike-happy fellows at the Royal Mail. Initially there was some (luke)warm public support for their campaign of postal striking aimed at improving wages and conditions for staff. The current reality is this; the general public would quite like to actually get their mail on time for once. All the working portion of our population would also like a pay rise but apparently there is a bit of a financial squeeze on at the moment thus no pay rise for anyone, not even posties I'm afraid. Think on Royal Mail strikers, you need public support and the first thing you could do to win it is to actually get my mail here before the bills become overdue. Try it just once.
The organising of these strikes has made me wonder, how do they actually communicate with each other? They must have to use the telephone or send emails because by the time the strike organisers letters get to your average postie the whole affair is a year late. I hear that in the furthest recesses of the British Isles some posties have just received strike instructions for the 1970's.
Anyway moving on, the Conservative Party conference is currently in full swing up in Manchester, I can feel sympathy for those poor buggers who actually have to live there and put up with all the closed streets, police and disruption,if the Labour conference here in Brighton is anything to go by then it's a right pain in the proverbial.
The irony of the recent conferences can be found in the musical chairs game that Gord and Dave seem to be playing. Didn't Brighton used to be the traditional place for Tory conferences and isn't Manchester traditionally a strong Labour area?
“Quick Gord” says Hazel Blears “Cameron has forgotten to book Brighton for this years knees-up, um I mean this years conference, you know what would really p*** him off don't you?...”
By means of revenge the Conservatives then go and book their conference in a traditional Labour heartland. It's a bit like the German stereotype of waking up at the crack of dawn to lay claim to the best sun loungers with beach towels before the Brits wake up.
The Lib Dem's seem happy with Bournemouth but no-one really cares what they do anyway. Bless them, it's not like they are really offensive in the same way as the BNP or unelectable like the Greens, they just can't seem to find any spare political middle ground because those greedy Labour and Conservative policy makers have put their beach towels over the Lib Dem's favourite stomping ground in the centre. Labour under Blair moved right to centre left and now the Conservatives under Cameron have shifted left to centre right. If the political spectrum can be analogised as the North American land mass then the poor Lib Dem's are the Native Indians being pushed out of their heartlands due to having no sense of ownership.
Right now I'm off to confuse B&H council by drawing beach towels all over their diary's.
How I wish that I could change the subject matter of my blog since the last post but alas little, if anything, has changed.
The benefits system continues to help to the lazy and ignore those who actually need help (you know, those that actually see unemployment as a temporary set back rather than a vocation – or should that read vacation).
Brighton and Hove Council continue to keep me in the dark as to whether I can claim any money towards housing benefit; in fact they have proved their utter inability to keep time as I approach week eight of the six I was told to wait. Seriously, how can anyone be expected to find two months rent whilst waiting for the benefits they need to pay said rent? The good folks down at B&H council are clearly short staffed. So why not hire some of those unemployed people to get up to speed? Even creating some part time positions would help, not paying out benefits to these people because they are working would surely pay for itself in wages? Am I the only one who seems able to think clearly here? Maybe I should proffer my suggestions to the council and send them my proposal via a page posted every two months-ish.
The next organisation on my hit list are those strike-happy fellows at the Royal Mail. Initially there was some (luke)warm public support for their campaign of postal striking aimed at improving wages and conditions for staff. The current reality is this; the general public would quite like to actually get their mail on time for once. All the working portion of our population would also like a pay rise but apparently there is a bit of a financial squeeze on at the moment thus no pay rise for anyone, not even posties I'm afraid. Think on Royal Mail strikers, you need public support and the first thing you could do to win it is to actually get my mail here before the bills become overdue. Try it just once.
The organising of these strikes has made me wonder, how do they actually communicate with each other? They must have to use the telephone or send emails because by the time the strike organisers letters get to your average postie the whole affair is a year late. I hear that in the furthest recesses of the British Isles some posties have just received strike instructions for the 1970's.
Anyway moving on, the Conservative Party conference is currently in full swing up in Manchester, I can feel sympathy for those poor buggers who actually have to live there and put up with all the closed streets, police and disruption,if the Labour conference here in Brighton is anything to go by then it's a right pain in the proverbial.
The irony of the recent conferences can be found in the musical chairs game that Gord and Dave seem to be playing. Didn't Brighton used to be the traditional place for Tory conferences and isn't Manchester traditionally a strong Labour area?
“Quick Gord” says Hazel Blears “Cameron has forgotten to book Brighton for this years knees-up, um I mean this years conference, you know what would really p*** him off don't you?...”
By means of revenge the Conservatives then go and book their conference in a traditional Labour heartland. It's a bit like the German stereotype of waking up at the crack of dawn to lay claim to the best sun loungers with beach towels before the Brits wake up.
The Lib Dem's seem happy with Bournemouth but no-one really cares what they do anyway. Bless them, it's not like they are really offensive in the same way as the BNP or unelectable like the Greens, they just can't seem to find any spare political middle ground because those greedy Labour and Conservative policy makers have put their beach towels over the Lib Dem's favourite stomping ground in the centre. Labour under Blair moved right to centre left and now the Conservatives under Cameron have shifted left to centre right. If the political spectrum can be analogised as the North American land mass then the poor Lib Dem's are the Native Indians being pushed out of their heartlands due to having no sense of ownership.
Right now I'm off to confuse B&H council by drawing beach towels all over their diary's.
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